Happy Birthday to Me

Today is my 20th birthday. I celebrate this day with such names as Dr. Seuss and John Irving. Jon Bon Jovi, as well, but I’m more concerned with the writers. I don’t feel very different, not older or wiser or more like an adult. But I feel much as I have over the past few months, like I need to push forward with more fervor than I have as of late. Somewhere along the line, I lost something– my mojo, my verve, my spirit, my confidence. Whatever it was, I need to get it back. Feeling stuck isn’t for me.

Maybe I lost it my senior year of high school, when I was at the top of all the organizations I cared about, but everyone else stopped caring so I was essentially useless. Sitting in AP classes where no one wanted to act like honors students was insulting. Conducting musical ensembles where I was told flat out that I wasn’t respected was painful. Striving to maintain a tradition of high standards was exhausting and almost in vain because I was among only a handful to want to do it. Insult and injury were only intensified when my efforts were overlooked and went unrewarded– not that I did it for the recognition, I did it because I cared, but a bit of reward in the form of scholarships or just a senior spotlight in the yearbook would have been nice.

I didn’t just give up, though I did slow down a bit after that. Things weren’t quite as up to par as they had been throughout my years in Bedford. College was a transition that was difficult to make after a year of, “Well, no one else tried at all, so you only have to try a little bit to do better.” That wasn’t good. So I struggled to get back into a high-achiever state of mind. I’m finally getting it back, but not without even more difficulty pushing me back further.
Leaving the bowling alley this past August, a job that I knew well and had really come to love, struck a blow that’s left quite a mark. I know that job didn’t slip away from me because I was a terrible employee. There were entirely different reasons. But somehow, it still makes me feel like I don’t know how to do anything any more. I feel inadequate at the two near-mindless jobs I work on campus. Making smoothies for four hours a week and calling alumni for donations eleven hours a week is nothing compared to managing the desk at a small bowling center, where the desk person is also a custodian and a mechanic and an event host and a food server and a master of ceremonies and the person to take care of whatever else needs to be done that they’re capable of. Maybe I just like the challenge of multitasking. I did juggle a lot in high school that I’m not now– work and school as well as marching band and drama and National Honor Society and the literary magazine and and choir and even a social life. Now, I go to classes, and I go to work. That’s about it. So maybe I need to start doing everything again.

A combination of factors has also got me more and more concerned about money. Student loans, trying to save up for a car, and breaking even after monthly bills is nerve-wracking. And it leaves little room to put away money for something bigger, like an apartment after graduation. Knowing also, particularly after having to give a ten minute speech on it, that my intended career choice as a writer is not going to turn me into a millionaire overnight makes me even more anxious to find a good paying job in order to supplement whatever income I might get as a writer and make up for months where writing work just isn’t there.

I think on this day, the 20th anniversary of my birth, I really need to start over. I need to find a job that I love, where I can work a few more hours and get paid a little more. I need to get back in touch with my passions– start playing the trumpet and singing again, find a way to get back on stage, and really focus on my writing. I need to start knocking the academics out of the park again. I need to find something to fill my down time, because I have way to much of it, and I’m not used to that. I’m used to constantly going, constantly being engaged. So that’s what I’m going to do.

Happy birthday to me.

To Residents of the “Real World”

Slightly arrogant, yet well intentioned. This is the perfect descriptor for a college student. We think we know everything. And in a way, we do, especially if we embrace a liberal arts education and avoid limiting ourselves to our intended career field. We absorb history and science and philosophy and math and the arts throughout our college careers. We’re bombarded with Freud, Einstein, Plato, Socrates, the Bible, Shakespeare, Joyce, Newton, Galileo, Churchill, King, and on and on and on, learning from those of past ages and into our own and beyond. So in a way, we do know everything. We’re generalists. We know a little bit about a whole lot.

Through these readings and experiments and calculations, we construct a world view. We take things that speak to us, that make us feel something, that get us intrigued or involved or infuriated, and we piece together how we see the world, how we think it should be, and how we can change it. And then, when people ask about these things, the filter comes off. And we’re written off as pretentious snobs with very little knowledge about anything, especially the “real world.”

But what we have that many people don’t is perspective. We’ve studied the texts and events that originally created the “real world.” We’ve learned a bit about why people behave the way they do. We’ve looked carefully at a wide scope of subjects and analyzed them– either once, or many times from a variety of view points. So while we may not truly know what it’s like in the “real world,” we can see the problems, the fallacies, and even the good things from our protected little sphere of academia that people can’t see in the field. We’re not experts by any means. But we aren’t dummies, either. We just can’t understand how and why it can be so difficult to change things. That’s what we’ll figure out in the real world.

It’s hard enough knowing that we’re heading towards a world of inequality, unemployment, discrimination, lack of opportunity, and just all around suck. Many of us are already experiencing it alongside the idealized “college experience.” We aren’t so naive as to be disillusioned about our futures. Most of us aren’t trying to impress anyone by reciting some obscure philosophical text or designing an experiment to challenge a scientific hypothesis. Honestly, we’re usually just doing it for the grades and a degree, and ultimately a career. But every so often we do these things because we truly believe they’re relevant and they can make a difference, that they can change something, even if that something is just one person’s opinion.

So give us a break. Let us think we have all the answers. Let us have strong emotions, and let us act on them (within reason, of course). Let us bask in our pseudo-genius for the few years we have before the “real world” claims us and makes us as skeptical and jaded as you. Leave us our optimism. Allow us to experience and discover and epiphanize and imagine and dream and create. Throughout history, it’s been young adults just like us, old enough to know there are problems that need fixing, but young enough to still believe we can fix them. Belief can do extraordinary things. So believe in us.

2012 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The new Boeing 787 Dreamliner can carry about 250 passengers. This blog was viewed about 1,000 times in 2012. If it were a Dreamliner, it would take about 4 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Miles away from 50,000

After a month of “writing”… (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So… NaNoWriMo didn’t go so well… For me anyway. Maybe three months of planning wasn’t enough. Maybe I thought I could write a novel while also writing three papers at a time for school (can I include those in my word count?). Maybe I’m just awful at time management. Yeah, I think it’s more that last one.

I had a great idea for a novel. So great that I changed it twice now and am working on a third beginning. Yep, great idea alright.

Because I consider myself a writer, and because that’s what I want to do with my life, this awful (albeit better than last year) attempt at penning a 50,000-word piece of art is despicable. And that brings out my other problem: I can’t get rid of my inner critic. I talked to people who wrote several thousand words at a time, but confessed that it was complete and utter rubbish and they would be spending so much time revising it wasn’t even funny. I can’t do that. I need a strong manuscript with nominal revisions. I don’t want to go reworking my entire novel, in essence writing a whole new story. The more sold I can get it the first time around, the better I’ll feel at the end.

During the writing process is a different story.

Writer’s block is common practice– I can’t get past that awful section I just wrote, I have no clue how to connect two ideas, I can’t think of a suitable word or name for a character… All things that have given me pause in my writing. I often just give up at that point, thinking a break will help me clear my thoughts and find what I need to keep writing. It never works.

This year, there was one more downer than just not finishing my novel. I introduced my boyfriend to NaNoWriMo, and he decided to give it a try as well. And he made it into the winners’ circle. Talk about a slap in the face… While I don’t hold it against him, and I’m not mad at him for being as awesome as he is, it still makes me feel about a centimeter tall. He’s written something that, while not without need for revision, is a great starting point. And he’s talking about publishing down the road. He’s got the finish line in sight, and I’m still spinning my wheels at the starting line. So much for me being the writer in the pair.

But I can’t let all this stop me. God, I’d hate myself if I did that… I guess I just have to hop back on the writing roller coaster and get over it. But now the critical question: should I just start right now working on the novel and finish it in my own time, or plan the hell out of it so there is no failing when it November comes back around? Decisions, decisions….

Writing, Writing…. Some More Writing…

National Novel Writing Month Web Badge (Photo credit: ajsundby)

So things are a bit crazy– Middle of the semester for school, Franken-storm, and most exciting of all… NATIONAL NOVEL WRITING MONTH!! I hope everyone else who’s planning on getting involved is as hyped as I am. I’ve been planning my novel for about three months now, and I’m so excited to finally be writing. The antici-….

-pation was killing me.

After failing miserably last year, I’m ready to get back in the game and get at least a few thousand words written this time, as opposed to several disconnected paragraphs that went nowhere. I’ve got my plot down, I’m finishing up character sketches, and I can see the settings quite clearly in my imagination. The only thing to do now is let the words flow onto the page (even if those words happen to be, “Alright, now I’m stuck…”).

In psyching myself up for the event, I’ve been searching for the perfect play list on an application called Songza (look it up, it’s fantastic and free!). I’ve settled on Epic Film Scores, which includes a wide variety of scores from composers such as Hans Zimmer and the legendary John Williams, spanning movies from Braveheart to Lord of the Rings to Avatar to Star Wars. Not only do these songs please my inner musician, but they also provide a non-invasive soundtrack for some intense and inspired noveling. Not interested in listening to the Batman soundtrack over and over again? There are plenty of other ways to choose music that suits you, from genre to mood to the activity for which you need background music. Unfortunately, noveling isn’t actually an activity, but beng creative, working, and studying are. Shout out to my friend Joey for suggesting this wonderful little app.

Tea and coffee have also been a staple. I started writing last night around 12:30, and since then I’ve had three cups of tea and two cups of coffee. It’s going to be necessary to keep this steady influx of caffeine going, I think, if I want to finish and entire first draft of a novel in 30 days…

I’ve also got a great support group this year, both in Wordsmiths and in friends who are joining the insanity with me and cheering me along. My amazing boyfriend decided to fit writing a novel into his already over-packed schedule. He even bought me a cute little NaNoWriMo flash drive bracelet for Sweetest Day so I can save my budding novel and carry it with me always. He’s a wonderful guy. Several friends at BW are getting involved as well, and hopefully one of them, a regular customer at the Smoothie Bar, will give me some inspiring words when she comes by, as I’ll try to do for her. Hopefully this support will keep me heading toward 50,000 words.

I’m super hyped to really dive in to my novel. Even if I don’t make it to 50,000 words by the end of November, I’ve already gotten more done than last year. I’m even going to really go crazy and try to get more blog posts up this month. November is going to be a month of total writing immersion. Anyone wanna join me?

If you’re interested in trying your hand at NaNoWriMo, head on over to http://www.nanowrimo.org and sign up! 

Eventually

It’s an unfortunate reality that things are going to change. When, why, and how aren’t always immediately obvious, but there is no changing the fact that change will occur– that’s the one rather ironic constant.

The knowledge that things will change at some point doesn’t do much to soften the blow when everything is upended. There is still a sense of being overwhelmed to some degree as we transition from one life stage to the next or we are placed in a situation and environment that are unfamiliar. Eventually we adapt. Whenever eventually decides to arrive.

In the meantime, sitting and waiting for eventually to happen is not an option. We can only struggle along and cope with the change, working toward the day when things become comfortable and controllable again. I’m waiting for that day.

At this point last year, I was just starting out as a college student. I was adjusting to post-secondary education, a change in environment, and a change in living arrangements. By January, everything had become familiar. Things were going well. April shook me up again, with a long-time relationship ending. Two months later, that relationship was set back on its feet, though others were lost.

Summer was familiar at first, working day cares at the bowling alley. Not difficult, just tedious (and boy, did I get tired of hot dogs). But interactions shifted, and definitely not for the better. The hours spent working at the lanes were fraught with tension and frustration, not easy-going and enjoyable like previous summers, and I now dreaded coming to a place where I had felt quite at home for years. It bothered me that I felt as if I was being pushed out; I had grown up there, and many of the guys were like family to me. Plus, the schedule was flexible and the money was good. Those were two things I really needed.

Nevertheless, the end of summer left me without a job, feeling banned from the lanes, and going into the school year rather stressed. I was thrown completely off kilter, with everything changing so fast, and everything being so far out of my control. While plans rarely go exactly as imagined, this had gone the complete opposite way of what I had in mind.

Now, about half-way through the semester, things are turning around. The money situation, while not spectacular, allows me to pay bills and make a few affordances. Working at the campus smoothie bar is not ideal, but it’ll do. The lanes situation hasn’t improved much. I’ve started to cast around for other social outlets. And surprisingly, they’ve been easy to find.

I’ve joined two clubs this year, the first, a brand new creative writing group on campus called WordSmiths. It’s delightful to be surrounded by people who make me feel normal, who applaud my creativity and talent much as I do theirs. It’s also constructive, not only in how it helps me to improve my writing and help others better their writing, but also in the way it’s pushed me to think– about what I enjoy and where I’d like to go with my writing. I’m excited to go to the meetings.

The other is Global Partners Society (GPS), a biweekly get together of past, current, and potential future study-abroad participants, both domestic and foreign. We discuss multicultural issues, assist foreign students in adjusting to our crazy nation, and just have a good time making friends from around the globe. It’s really cool.

Classes have also introduced me to a wide range of people, and I’ve almost been forced to come out of myself and socialize, just through the nature of the classes. Discussions make up the majority of my day, and public speaking requires more vocalization and interaction than any other class. And in rock climbing, you have to talk to other people. You’re trusting them with your lives.

Perhaps all these things have given me some new strengths, or just unlocked confidence and loquaciousness that have always been inside me. Regardless. I’ve found I’m better at communicating, even when there’s a high threat of embarrassment. And I’m finally doing things I never had the courage to do before, like asking someone who wasn’t in my social circle in high school to join me for a cup of coffee. Instead of being disappointed, we met and talked for a couple of hours, which is more than we had talked in seven years of classes together. It was definitely a personal breakthrough.

Maybe I’m finally adapting to the curveballs life has thrown me. Maybe I’m discovering who I am. Maybe I’m just growing up. Whatever it is, I kind of like it. And while things are still far from settled down and comfortable, they’re slowly getting back under control. Perhaps I won’t be waiting too much longer for eventually to arrive

An Evaluation of Empty Days

Indolence (Photo credit: Constance Wiebrands)

I’m ready to go back to school. This summer has been a productivity wasteland, and I need to get back to doing something with my time. I had goals for this summer. I really did.  And I didn’t accomplish a single one (except maybe the cooking). Here’s the list:

1. Get into shape. I was determined to be healthy this summer. I only half managed that, eating better than usual and cooking more on my own. But exercise and physical fitness kinda got swept to the side. That’s going to be on the “Things to Do in Your Free Time” list for the school year.
2. Get comfortable in the kitchen. I’ve definitely gotten my hands dirty in the kitchen the last few weeks. Saturdays have been cooking healthy meals with my family, and I’ve been cooking during the week with this great guy I’ve got in my life. I’m no gourmet chef, but the food has turned out really well. I’m definitely gonna keep it up.
3. Read at least five books. This one should have been easy. But I just can’t seem to get off the computer. Or just pick up a book instead of watching T.V. or something. I barely made it through one book. It’s extremely disappointing. I’ll just have to work it into my schedule somewhere between classes, homework, and sleeping. And everything else I didn’t get done. Sigh…
4. Blog weekly, write more in general. Yeah… As you can see, I totally bailed on my New Year’s Resolution… I lasted a bit, but summer hit and that was it (yes, I know that was bad and sounded lie… You fill in the blank). And the student travel site I was blogging for isn’t accepting new material right now, so I’m not even cranking a post out for money every week. So I’ve only been scribbling– story starters, openers for blog posts never posted, but nothing complete and worthy of public (or even private) acknowledgment. I’m very disappointed about this one.
5. Get a tan. This was somewhat accomplished. Working as a counselor/teacher at my high school’s band camp helped with this. 90-degree sunny days spending six hours in the sun with only a minimal amount of sunscreen on places that burn easily really does the trick. Except that I have horrible tan lines. I won’t be wearing shoes without sock for some time. And I really only tanned my forearms and my legs from mid-thigh to ankle. I’m a little uneven.
6. Get a car. That hasn’t happened. I have a substantial amount of money set aside for a decent down payment, or if possible,  full payment on a decent used car. But I would be happier with more set aside , or with a car of my own in the driveway. So that’s still a ways away.

There’s no good reason for not accomplishing most of these. Facebook, sleeping until noon, television, and work are not good excuses. A bit of drama at the beginning of the summer and a sort of rebuilding in a couple of facets of my life might allow for a bit of leniency, but cannot account for the failure to complete more than one goal. I guess I just have to step it up during the school year, and keep it up  into next summer and beyond. I guess I’ll just have to work harder to get myself motivated. I want to better myself, for myself and not anyone else. I hear self motivation is pretty hard though, so feel free to offer me some support. A nice “You can do it!” shout out does wonders.

Have you set any goals recently that you hope to accomplish or have accomplished? How did you motivate yourself? How can you accomplish them if you haven’t already?