Ah, Internal Conflict… How I Don’t Love You


Unfortunately, I’m not simply talking about analyzing a piece of literature. A character’s inner turmoil is so much easier to dissect and solve. Instead, my own conflict is playing tug-o-war with my mind, and it is not pleasant.

In light of my 19th birthday, a presidential campaign, and comments made by important people in my life, I’ve been doing a great deal of thinking, attempting to reconcile the clashes occurring inside my brain with the world outside. It isn’t working. I’m at a point where I’m ready to be treated like a responsible adult, whose opinions are considered valuable and who isn’t forced to sit at the kids’ table at family gatherings (yes, that still happens to me, and it frustrates me to no end). But at the same time, I’m still inexperienced and need some mentoring. I don’t know everything. And I’m going to make mistakes. I’d like that to be taken into consideration.

My opinions and beliefs are developing, some contrary to those I had earlier in life and those of my family and friends. Torn between being true to myself (pardon the cliché…) and keeping my family happy, I often have to mask what I think and keep comments to myself. I’d prefer not to have to do that, but I’m not so sure that’s going to change any time soon. And new ideas are constantly causing me to rethink opinions, do research, and then rethink opinions I’ve already rethought. I’m in an incessant state of chaos, and it’s driving me crazy.

I’ve always heard that four years of college really changes a person. After only a semester and a half, I’ve already noticed differences. These differences are certainly for the better– I’ve gotten neater, though my parents may not agree, and I’ve been better at staying on top of things.  But it’s a bit disconcerting, all the insecurity and being a total stranger to myself. Things I knew for certain over the summer, just a few short months ago, have been completely obliterated by doubt and evidence to suggest otherwise. While nothing in life is truly infallible, where I am right now, everything seems abstract and fluid. Let me tell you, that is completely unnerving.

I know I may not like the answer, but I need to ask this one question of the universe: Does chaos eventually settle down into order?

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One thought on “Ah, Internal Conflict… How I Don’t Love You

  1. Carly says:

    Caelie! I do this too but we should stop lol. If you spend too much time over analyzing things you’ll just upset yourself. I find it’s much better to ” just do it”. This growing up business happens when it happens. I know that’s a crap response but if you think about it all the time it wont go any faster. You can’t make yourself grow up faster. Just relax, enjoy school, work hard, and you’ll get there. It’s taken me what seems like forever to realize that whether or not I worry about something, I still get it done. I hope this makes you feel better!

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